Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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