please come you make the beer taste better
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
