dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
