I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
