Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
