i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
