Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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