I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
