She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
