just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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