when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
