We're facebook friends in real life
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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