then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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