The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
