I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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