3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
