i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
