remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
