hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
