i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
