I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
