Hey man sorry I got all grabby
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
