The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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