youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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