She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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