The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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