I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
