How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
