so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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