he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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