You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
