eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
