Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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