She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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