They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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