I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
