really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
