I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
