Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
