dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
