All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
