dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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