Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We left the knife in your bed.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
