You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
