I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
