Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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