I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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