take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You ruined the universe
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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