yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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