She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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