When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
