the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
